Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Grief & Guilt

Grief & Guilt...why are they always tied together like peanut butter and jelly?  It seems like you always hear people expressing so much guilt over losing loved ones and yet the reality is - we could not change the past even if we wanted to.  The truth is, it's hard to remember that when you're in the midst of your "trial &/or loss" and I am no exception. Of course, I think mine is just a little different, in that my guilt is in wondering if it would have been different if we would have only implanted one embryo verses two? Would we have been in the same situation burying a child, or would we just have our little Alexis and living life as it is now?  The other side of my guilt is, I'm trying really hard not to have so much guilt over not going to Bridgette's grave in the last two months.  It just seems that I have really struggled with making that trip.  I think about her and going every day (and I wanted to go) but then I simply found other things to do.  Guess this means, I have to remind myself that I too cannot change anything... it is what it is and in order to get past this hard time in our lives I just continue to remind myself that it could have been so much worse.  I am forever grateful for our little Alexis, but at the same time I am so protective that I have to remember she is a gift from God, and trust that He will keep her safe from harm. 

I finally made that trip and went today to visit the graves (we have more than one buried in this cemetery).  I was literally nauseated because there were weeds growing through the flowers on Bridgette's grave.  As I sat and wept, trying to pull weeds in my dress clothes, I felt such a gentle breeze surge through my body.  It was as if she was right there with me.  I paused and found myself soaking in the breeze.  I know that may sounds silly to most, but I think it was a gentle reminder that she's always so close to me, and forever in my heart, even though she's not in my arms. I want to think it was her way of acknowledging that I was there.  Reality is, we live in a windy state and honestly I know some that read this will think I'm crazy and say it was just the wind; and maybe that's correct, but for me I'll simply continue to think it was her & the good Lord sending me a breeze of peace. (smile)

As I sat there this morning, I was reminded of a Bible verse, "Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4).  I feel this verse is a reminder that God is with me, comforting me and that it is okay for me to still mourn.  I do not know what, or if, there is an acceptable time period for grief.  I would beg to question whether or not you could put a time frame on how long you are to mourn the loss of a child, or any loved one?  I do know (from experience) that it gets easier as the days go by.  I believe everyone is different; but I most definitely believe that everyone must grieve their losses or they will end up bitter and angry. I know that for a fact because I was that way several years ago after about the 7th loss we experienced.  Honestly, none of them were easy, but, [by far] this was the hardest one for me. This will also cause so many problems between you and your spouse if you're not careful... I know it did for me and my husband years ago and sometimes, even to this day, we are so different in the way that we grieve, that if we let it, it could cause hardship between us.  Of course, the devil sees this as a weak link in our life and tries to use it against us; but we have to make the decision to not allow him to penetrate our marriage and stay strong in our faith and press-on.... trust me when I say - some days are harder than others... and I'm sure it's not easy living with me....(big smile)

Although you cannot change the past, no matter how bad you want to, or wish you could; you can change your today and every day thereafter.  It starts with a conscious choice and decision and I am trying to make the very best of every day.  I know I'm making mistakes because I'm human; but I am so thankful for the chance to make a mistake as a Mom and not just "wishing" for a baby like years before....

A couple of scriptures that have helped me during this time are: "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”  (Rev 21:4)


He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

Regardless of what you're going through I just hope that you will find the strength to turn to God and let Him help you through it - I know He is the only thing that is seeing me through this difficult time.