MOM is a word I've longed to be called for almost 15 years and finally this Mother's Day it happened. I was officially recognized as a Mom at church Sunday. It was the most amazing feeling in the world.
My hubby went on a hunting trip for a couple of days and returned on Saturday to leave me and my sweet girl, Alexis to spend some quality time together. As you can imagine, I spent most of my days mesmerized by her existence and mere beauty. I spend a lot of time just watching her sleep or watching those big blue eyes bouncing back and forth looking around.
I have some big shoes to fill when it comes to being a Mother. I hope I'm 1/2 the Mother my Mom has been to me... she's never changing and her love is never ending, no matter what I did wrong! I want to teach Alexis all the things my Mom taught me and am still learning from her... that is one thing I can honestly say - being a mom is never-ending but it's so worth it!! Where I once was empty I am now full and where I once had a hole it is now closed. I carry a different absence from the loss of Bridgette and I'll always love and miss her but I am forever grateful for Alexis.
Today I returned to work for 1/2 days. WOW that was hard to walk out the door knowing I was not taking my baby girl with me - but luckily we have an amazing nanny (Ashley) who made the day SO MUCH easier. I honestly don't think Alexis missed me - she went from my arms to snuggling right up in Ashley's arms... it was evident that Ashley is the right pick to watch and nurture our baby girl! Just one more thing I am so thankful to the good Lord for!!
(May 24, 2012)
WOW, I just realized that I never finished this post... which is so surprising since it was such an amazing day I've waited forever for!! Soooo... I'll simply finish it now & just add a little extra... (big smile)
Ryan and I were just talking Tuesday about how different our lives are now from just a year ago. Although we have been through a lot of hurt, we cannot explain how wonderful it is to have so much joy at the same time. All of the hurt does not compare to all of the joy we are receiving, and the fullness we have by God's great gift of being Alexis' parents. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't take away the pain, but it certainly makes every day bearable when our little girl looks up at me with those big beautiful blue eyes and smiles. I'll admit, these last couple of weeks have been hard for me and I've shed a quiet-a-few tears thinking/missing our Bridgette; but I also know without a shadow of a doubt she's in God's arms and watching over all of us.
We feel like our story is meant to touch someone - and even if we never find out how, who, or even why, we will continue to trust God's plan and share until he directs me in a differently. I trust that He has convicted my heart to continue to write and expose the vulnerable side of our lives with so many strangers for a reason. So, who am I to question Him when He has been faithful to me and given me exactly what I asked for... "one child".
"We prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us what we asked of Him" (1 Samuel 1:27)
There is a song that has really hit home of late..... Tears are a language God understands....
God sees the tears of a brokenhearted soul
He sees your tears and hears them when they fall
God weeps along with man and He takes him by the hand
Tears are a language God understands.
When grief has left you low it causes tears to flow
When things have not turned out the way that you had planned
But God won't forget you His promises are true
And tears are a language God understands.
Although I have days when I cry I also know that it will get better with time. I share that because I want you to know that whatever your pain, whatever your burden, just know that there is a God who holds the bigger picture and knows just how much you can and cannot handle; and He will NEVER give you more than He can see you through!! You just have to trust in Him.
Cast your burden on the Lord, and he shall sustain you: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved (Psalm 55:22)