Friday, June 8, 2012

3 Months Today....

 Seems there's so much that has happened since my last blog in just a little over a week ago.... I keep saying I am going to try and blog more... guess we'll see how that goes... :)

I have been in a state of "reflection" lately - just a true reflection of my life for the last 19+ years... some things I'm proud of and some things...oh not so much! But aren't we all that way?  I know you all are just like me, there are some things you have said or done that you wish you could take a huge eraser to; and other times you wish you would have had a Big Chief tablet and crayons to make the message a little more loud & clear for some! (lol)  Even through all of it, I think I'm most fond of my mistakes.  Not because they high-light my weaknesses or they show my ignorance, but because they have made me who I am today and pushed me to become the person I am...of which, I have to admit, I am quiet fond of!  I do love me! I know some of you are probably rolling your eyes, and that's okay, but I'll tell you like my mom used to tell me - "keep on and your face will stick that way"... (gosh I can't wait to use some of those lines on my daughter) haha! Seriously, I do love who I am today and am so thankful for all God has graced me with.  I have more than riches can buy.

I was going through pictures on my phone today and even seen some from pre-Alexis days; (which really made me laugh) and they only enhanced the "thinking train".  Pre-Alexis, we had several people warn us that having a baby would change our lives and the freedom we were so accustomed to would certainly end.  Whereas we appreciated the insight (from their perspective and always love the advise...and oh have we received a lot of but in our experience that's so far from the truth.  I will not disagree that she has definitely changed our lives (but for the better).  However, our "freedom" has not been changed it's simply been altered.  Now our adventures are accompanied with one extra little set of feet and an angel watching over us. I'd say that's an awesome change and gladly take it any day!  It's true, Alexis goes everywhere with us; and agreed, at this age it's a little hard for her to voice her opinion...but let's just say she doesn't seem to "throw a fit" and enjoys our life-style.  (I reserve the right to make a change to this in approximately 5 - 7 years)

In just three months, she has taken two trips to Texas; one at just over 4 weeks and the other at 6 weeks old.  She goes to all of the barrel races with me...and to top it off, we even took her to the river (over the Memorial Day weekend) when she was only 11 weeks old - (see picture with Maddison - her river buddy).  This is where we discovered her love for the outdoors; she was at such peace down there and not fussy at all! Yes, this is also where we were called "brave AND crazy".... (ha)

My point is, whoever tells you that a baby changes your life, know that that is true. There are changes such as: sleepless nights (not that we would know because our little darling sleeps 5 - 6 hours a night); you pack everything except the kitchen sink when you go anywhere (even just to the store).  But, from someone who has experience now, if you forget something, and trust me... You Will Forget, (oh, say the nipples to the bottles) you will be creative and that motherly instinct will kick in finding yourself utilizing whatever you have to in order to ensure your baby isn't hungry (like a medicine dropper).  (big smile) 

Looking back, it is so funny how I was so worried that I would not be a good Mom...or that I would not posses those "motherly instincts"; when in reality, if I do say so myself, I think I have done alright.  She is never hungry, wet or dirty for long, and she has more love (and clothes) than she can imagine & I haven't left her anywhere..... I'd say that's at least a pretty good start. (smile)

She is growing like a weed and just continues to amaze us.  She is SO full of personality.  At our last doctor's visit she weighed 10 lbs 2 ozs, 22 inches long... it's hard to imagine that she was once 4 lbs 3 ozs and only 17 inches long.  I cannot believe that today she is 3 months old (officially at 4:19 pm).  She is changing every day and it is amazing how her personality is really starting to show.  She's getting so animated and really cooo'ing a lot more now.  I can not wait until she starts talking (I also reserve the right to make a modification to this statement in approximately 2-3 years) (big smile)

As I mentioned earlier - I have been reflecting on a lot of things lately, for various reasons, but mostly in just awe & amazement at how far we've come from where we were just 11 short years ago, when we were given the devastating news that we would probably never be parents.  This was a surgery I had to have because we were losing (yet another) baby.  I can still remember coming out of that surgery like it was yesterday (actually was November 2001).  I also remember how I cried and how I thought there was truly no purpose for my life.  I honestly could not imagine what I had done that was so bad that I would not get to be a mom.  I thought God must have surely hated me.  Although I could not see it then, that we were being set up for an amazing journey later in life, I could see that there was a tough road ahead of me and I had some choices to make.  Did I always make the right choices?  No (and this is where the big eraser was really needed).  Sure, I questioned why we had to endure so many losses and even more recently had to endure the costs of IVF only to lose yet another one... but I feel like God gently reminds me that He DID give me what I asked for... and that was ONE (1) Child!!  So who am I to question God?  Yes, I'm human and I have a lot of questions, but in the end I truly only want to focus on the positive and what is in the here and now, because I know all too well how fast life can be taken from you, without a notice.  I don't want to spend my time questioning the past, instead I chose to enjoy the present that has been bestowed upon me.  You see, in my heart, I believe that our past (including our failures) only sets us up for success.  In my case, it's in being good parents to Alexis and raising her in a loving home.... I really don't know if I could have said that would have been the case 10 years ago....only God knows, but the good thing is: I'm finally okay with leaving it in His hands & letting go. 

Today we are celebrating the 3 month birthday and beautiful life of our baby girl, Alexis.  I was just telling my husband last night, how unreal it feels (yet ironic) that we are celebrating Alexis turning 3 months old; when historically we never made it past three months in the womb with a child. So to say that this is a monumental marker in history for us is an understatement; and it means probably more to us that anyone could possibly imagine until (or unless) you have walked in our shoes.

Throughout our journey over the last 18 months, I have also gained a lot of wonderful new friends, who have been such an inspiration to me.  One of them posted the following scripture on my facebook wall just yesterday.  Not only was it touching, but it was so fitting with the reflection I had been going through.  It feels as if it made my reflection-time complete.  "Who can be compared with the Lord our God, who is enthroned on high? He stoops to look down on heaven and on earth. He lifts the poor from the dust and the needy from the garbage dump. He sets them among princes, even the princes of his own people! He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord! (Psalm 113:5-9)

(Thank you, Javonni... you'll never know how touching this scripture was for me...)
Guess overall, I said all of that to say this, never give up hope and never forget that we serve a mighty God who can make the unthinkable & impossible - Possible! There are two nail scared hands/feet and a pierced side that have made my today possible, and given me this life, so that I could have the opportunity to be a Mother to my girls (and all the babies that have gone on before us).  So forever I will cherish the fact that God did find favor on this childless woman, despite my many flaws, and seen fit to give me a perfect daughter and loving husband so that I could have my family. 
It's true...all good things come to those who wait! 
Happy 3 Month Birthday, Alexis!  Mommy loves you VERY much!!
P.S. Sorry this blog was so looonnnnggg... oh well, it just makes writing my book easier.... LOL!