This whole "truth telling" is really working for me! But I have to admit, it's a little like Yoga without pants! I feel exposed at times but I also feel liberated to know that I'm not alone in my feelings and daily Mommy issues! :) I feel so blessed to have received the emails as people are reading my blogs. One, because people are really reading them, and two, because people are really relating and getting something from them.
I had a pain singe through me this morning as I was leaving work. It was a stabbing pain in my heart as my daughter said to me, "Mommy, are you going to work today?" My reply: "Yes, darling, Mommy has to go to work today." With sad eyes she said, "Why?" I replied (before thinking) "because we have to pay the bills." If only I could have snapped a picture of her face at that very moment I would have probably won a prize for most confused look on a toddler's face. It hit me, as she continued to quiz me, that she has no concept of bills, responsibilities, work ethic, or life as a whole. She lives in a pretend fairy-tale daily where her main goal is to torment the cat and dog and make them have tea parties with her or whether or not she gets to go visit Auntie that day! We go through these questions most every morning but most mornings she cries, this morning we had been up early and were in her room playing when Daddy came home from work so she wasn't as emotional. I'm guessing it's because she was actually awake and we had some quality time together before I dashed out the door.
You see, that's usually what I'm doing... dashing! Dashing here....Dashing there...dashing everywhere; running like a chicken with my head cut off! (Squirrel!! And I wonder why I'm overweight - can't stick to a good planning/meal plan due to grab-n-go needs). By the way, "Squirrel" is a saying we use in my family when you're in the middle of a story and someone has a thought that they turn into a comment, totally digressing from the current conversation...very rarely to return.
Anyway, just as I'm grabbing my briefcase and purse this morning I hear Alex yell from the bedroom, "Mommy!!"
Alex: "Mommy, are you leaving?"
Alex: "Mommy, you can't leave, you have to give me another hug."
My heart ached with a mixture of emotions, joy that she wants my hugs, happiness that she's growing up and developing her own little self, yet pain that I know at any moment life can change and I may not be there or she won't - it's called fear, worry, and anxiety of a Mommy that knows the feeling of loss all too well. Many have asked about the "G18 Mommy" in my signature line. Alexis was our 18th child and only living one. So, you see, there is a fear that lives within me. A "What-if" that holds my mind captive most days. I try to ignore it and try to overcome it but I just can't seem to get rid of it completely. Then I heard another Mommy (who has never buried a child) talking about her fears as a Mother and she has more than one living and I realized that it's just Mom's! We have a tendency to carry the weight of the burdens - especially the emotional ones. Guys, I don't mean to stereo-type, I know you have your own fears and anxiety, but if we're being truthful, 95% of you only worry about what's for dinner and where's the remote. (sorry, just had to ....laughing)
Truth is, there are very few men that stress like women do. God designed us differently for a reason.
I absolutely love this poem I found years ago and it always seen my own Mother and grandmothers in this light, but now I have a goal to be this same kind of Mother. #DreamingBig
When God Made MothersBy the time the Lord made mothers, he was into the sixth day working overtime. An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered and said, "Have you read the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; have 200 movable parts, all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up; have a kiss that can cure anything from a scrape knee to a broken heart; and have six pairs of hands!"
The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No Way!" said the Angel.
The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!"
"And that's on the standard model?" the Angel asked. The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing, even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head, are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word."
The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."
"But I can't!" the Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick and can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower."
The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?" Asked the Angel.
The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak" the Lord objected. "That's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the Angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."
The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything for this one. You even created the tear!"
The Lord looked at the Angel and smiled and said, "I'm afraid you're wrong again, my friend. I created the woman, but she created the tear!"As I said before, if you take nothing else away from my blogs - I pray that you will never forget that you are "wonderfully and fearfully made" (Psalm 139:14). Never forget that you are the son or daughter of the almighty King of King and that you do not have to "BE" what the world expects you to be, but you do have to be what makes you happy! Do something kind today, be nice to others, and respect those you interact with. Strive to make a difference in others lives, but more importantly make a difference in your own life. Life is messy....thank God for Bounty paper towels, Grace & Mercy!
"Pretty words aren't always true....and true words aren't always pretty.""And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." *John 8:32)