Let's be honest and admit it...some days being a Mommy is just down right tough! Today was one of those days. Actually, this week has been one of those weeks. I can't believe it's already almost over and I still have so much to get accomplished. Which brings me to my next question....Am I the only one that the last thing I'm thinking when I go to bed at night, and the first thing I think of when I wake up of a morning is, "Am I doing this right?"
At night, when I lay my head down on my pillow, I reflect on the day and everything that happened. What I did right. What I could have done better. What I still needed to do, etc.... Some nights it takes several hours for me to finally go to sleep. Then when I wake in the morning I look over at my little miracle and think, "God, please help me not to screw her up!"
Maybe it's crazy. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I overthink it. Maybe not. All I know is, being a Mommy is the most rewarding--yet scariest and challenging thing I have ever in my life done!
I found myself in prayer this evening, after Alexis went to bed, asking for guidance. When I picked Alex up from daycare today, I learned that she had a break-down of sorts because she did not want hot dogs for lunch. And, she was very adamant about it. So adamant that she cried and threw a fit and ended up in time-out. WHAT!!??!! How did this happen that I've raised a child that feels she has the right to cry and throw a fit over something she has eaten before at the daycare? Oh! Then it hits me. Imagine the little 'thought-cloud' that appears in the cartoons over ones head when a thought comes that they don't actually say out loud. That's what happened to me during this whole conversation. I think to myself, "Yes. That is my fault. I do fix her something separate from what I fix me and my husband for dinner. Wait! Ryan does it too. I'm not taking all of the blame for this." (Laughing hysterically inside at how fast I'm having this mental conversation with myself while our sweet daycare provider shares the events of the day with me). I respond with how very sorry I am and then have Alexis apologize before we leave.
After we get home I am perplexed as I'm reflecting on the conversation and thinking about dinner...which, by the way I so wanted to fix hot dogs just to prove a point. But, I did not have the needed ingredients and we were supposed to go to my sisters for dinner anyway. What would you have done? Would you have fixed hot dogs and made her eat them or put her to bed with no dinner? Geeze...all of these little questions and I'm struggling with what is the right answer, and at the same time thinking, "oh my gosh...if I can't figure this out, how in the world am I going to address REAL life-altering issues."
I do what I do best...I pray. Dinner went off without a hitch (because she had chicken nuggets). Bath done, prayers said and to bed she went. Now I'm left with time alone since hubby is out of town on business. I find myself in prayer and I feel Him gently remind me of my morning devotion "Be still. Be quiet." I did just that. I spent time listening.
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10)
I know today was not really that big of a deal. And, I know that I'm not really that bad of a Mom. However, I do know that it was a lesson learned. Even the smallest decisions we make as parents have an everlasting effect on our children. What we do with the little things will be remembered when we have to discipline for the bigger things, for the things that will be life-altering.
I tell myself, the best thing I can do is just be consistent. I try to pull from my experience and knowledge-bank and quickly realize that I have no prior experience and she did not come with a manual. The only real experience I have is being a leader in the business world. "Yes! That's it...I'll treat her like my employee..." (I again find myself laughing hysterically at my own thoughts). Yes, I know she's not my employee, but I think to myself, "that's the only real experience I have, being a leader" It's similar yet completely different, right?.
What I do know is that I will try harder tomorrow. I will not give in to the pressures of my daughter throwing a fit over not wanting to eat a darn hot dog. I will love her unconditionally and will second-guess my decisions again until I get it right. When that will be, only God knows. But the truth is - being a Mom is the best decision I ever made and I cannot be more thankful for the sleeplessness I will get from today's events and I will wake in the morning praying for more guidance and wisdom and let God be God of our lives and pray I don't screw up.
This blog is about Real life...Real decisions...Big and Small....They all count. Never let the little things get to you - just keep going, keep doing your best and the rest will fall into place. Life is like a puzzle for me and my family. We have all of the pieces - now we just have to find the best way to put them together and not lose our sanity in the process! :0)
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)
Remember, as I've written before, if you take nothing else away from my blog - I pray you will never forget that you are "wonderfully and fearfully made" (Psalm 139:14). Never forget that you are the son or daughter of the almighty Kind of Kinds and that you do not have to "BE" what the world expects you to be, but you do have to be what makes you happy! Do something kind today, be nice to others, and respect those you interact with. Strive to make a difference in others lives, but more importantly make a difference in your own life. Life is messy...thank God for Bounty Paper Towels, Grace and Mercy!
"Pretty words aren't always true...and true words aren't always pretty, but when the truth is spoken, it's always beautiful!"
"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32)
"....the battle is the Lord's" (I Samuel 17:47)